Jokes

The Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible more, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I`m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn`t get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" 
Who Scratched the Sky?

My 2-year-old watched out the window as I was driving. Suddenly he got very upset, saying "Oh, they are really gonna get now! Oh, are they ever gonna get it now!" Seeing nothing remarkable happening outside, I asked my son, "Who's gonna get it? What did they do?" Then, with all the seriousness of a 2-year-old, and pointing to the stream of vapor behind a plane in the sky, he explained, "The guy driving that plane up there! Look at that! He scratched the sky, everywhere he goes -- and is God gonna ever be mad!" Diane Dew, Milw., Wis.
Scientists
A scientist was not impressed by the way God had created humans.  He was sure if he studied, he could create a man just like God had. In his arrogance, he announces to God that he has figured it out and will be forming a man out of dirt, just like God had done with Adam. 
The scientist gets a small shovel and large bucket and heads outside. "Where are you going?"  God asks him. "To get some dirt to make a man," the scientist replies. 
To this, God says, "HEY!  Go get your OWN dirt!" 
Possessions
A man pleads with God that he really wanted to go to heaven but he wanted to take some possession of his from this life. He went around and around arguing with God and begging Him to be able to take one thing, just one, into heaven with him.
So the day came when the man died and he did go to heaven.  He arrived with his one thing that God had agreed to let him in with--a briefcase full of gold bricks. The man was grinning and walking down the street. He was glad to be in heaven and was feeling pleased that he had persuaded God.
Two of heaven's residents saw him whistling and walking down the street. One turns and says to the other, "What's with the guy walking around carrying a briefcase full of pavement??" 
At the Beach
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" 
Look at Him Go
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.  "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."  The old manwhispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy! 
Pope and Moishe                                                         About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had  to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it  more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground wherehe sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up." This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the  Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity." He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. "What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe," First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me  that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe,    "He took out his lunch and I took out mine" 

Miracles

A newly converted hippie was very interestedly reading the Bible while waiting for transportation and every now and then would exclaim, "Alleluia, Praise the Lord, Amen" and on and on as he read on.

A skeptic heard him and came and asked what he was reading. He answered "I am reading how God parted the red sea and let the Israelites go through--that is a miracle!" The skeptic explained.

"Do not believe everything the Bible tells you. The truth of the matter is that that body of water was only really 6 inches deep-- so it was not miracle." The hippie nodded in disappointment but kept on reading as the skeptic was walking away feeling proud that he had set the hippie straight.

All of a sudden the skeptic heard the hippie let out a big "Alleluia, Praise the Lord".

At this the skeptic came back to him and asked, "What is it this time?"

The hippie said excitedly in one breath, "This one is a real miracle, God drowned the whole Egyptian army in 6 inches of water!!!" 


Blessings, ♥T